I received (the book) Memories and am immersed in it. Earlier, my heart and my mind became very troubled but just kept staring at my poster of Lord Caitanya & Nityananda and it was like He comforted me and held my hand through the night. I chanted extra rounds and I became at ease enough to sleep. Then this morning – lo and behold – I was called out for a visit. It was my attorney coming to visit to work with me to counter that very negative item which the judge will read before sentencing. I will pray to Radha for Her mercy – but my point is – I can see how – as soon as I reached out to Kṛṣṇa, it was like He didn’t wait. He reciprocated so quickly.
I’m so grateful for both the Teachings of Queen Kunti and Memories. I’m learning so much from them as well as from the Bhagavad-gita. Even though I don’t time myself, I know I must spend—at least—2 hours a day reading from a mixture of all 3 for them. Jaya! (My new favorite word)
Now that I know without doubt or question that I’m going somewhere when my soul no longer needs this body, it’s an incredible liberation. Death is not scary – nor am I saddened for anyone I would be leaving behind. Being in jail is definitely a way of having an ascetic way of life. Thing is – the more I do without all those little luxuries of sense gratification, the more I realize—not only do I not need them—I don’t want them. Celibacy has truly empowered my spiritual connection. As Mormons say, “The veil has become very thin.” The more renounced I am from the things of the world the closer I become to Kṛṣṇa, Jesus, Heavenly Father and the more I depend on them—and the more I realize I need no one else but them. I’m never lonely or bored. I know Kṛṣṇa and Jesus and Father Elohim know my every thought, know what I need before I need it. To experience the trial of faith has truly brought me the victory of faith. It’s a wondrous process and I look forward to serving Him with all my heart and mind and strength.
As I become more and more Kṛṣṇa Conscious, I can see myself transforming in the way I view life—anger is only momentary—as if Caitanya appears beside me and issues a gentle rebuke. If I were to associate a tactile feeling for Kṛṣṇa consciousness, I would have to say—so far—it has been velvety smooth, creamy. I could only imagine how wonderful it would be having other devotees to share it with and to do kirtan. I’m dreaming about Kṛṣṇa consciousness now too! In my dream, I was donating food to someone and I warned them, “It’s not Prasadam—I didn’t pray over it!”
When I read what you write about Lord Caitanya coming to the most fallen of souls, my eyes welled up in tears and my love swelled for Him. Here I was drawing Him and Nityananda and didn’t realize they were brothers!
This one guy who has gotten out and come back 6 times since I’ve been here just got back again and asked me for something to read. I gave him a Mormon magazine and a Back to Godhead. The next day, while I was sleeping, he slipped the Mormon magazine back under the door with a note: “Yogi, the Back to Godhead is great! Please give me more to read!” How do you like that? So today I’m going to give him another BTG and one of the copies of the ISKCON Prison Ministry newsletters. If he shows more interest, I’ll let him borrow the Queen Kunti book.
Richard C.
San Bernardino, California
I was transported from OSP to the Lane County jail last Tuesday for a court date and I’ve been here since. I had to leave everything at the penitentiary and the few books I had there are checked out from the chapel library. So I’ve just been locked in a box here in the county hooskow (jail), chanting japa on my knuckles, reading secular paperbacks and singing everything from “Govindam adi purusha”, to Michael Cassidy, to George Harrison, and everything in between. The sudden rattling of keys in the door of the cell I’m in surprised me because I knew, by the time of day and the rapping of jackboots down the tier, that it was mail call—and no one knows I’m here to write me. It was Krishna’s grace and mercy that your package was even forwarded to me here! It was the only piece of mail to be forwarded to me here and I know, from talking to my family, that all my other mail is sitting at O.S.P.. I really appreciate your sending me the two Back to Godhead magazines because upon arrival here, my favorite chaplain, a really cool, dynamic woman named Sister Margaret, told me that the old copy of Prabhupada’s Gita was no longer in the chapel library. So [with nothing else to read] here I was, reading Tom Wolfe, JD Salinger and even the Da Vinci Code, until Monday (three days ago) when your parcel arrived [with the BTGs]. Again, thank you so much.
I just wanted to express to you how grateful I am as soon as I was able to rustle up an envelope and the means to write you. Thank you. I was kind of adrift here—no Gita, no beads, no devotees (at least at OSP there’s Jivananada and a couple of other bhaktas). I’ve read both issues of Back to Godhead entirely and am now focusing on the Bhāgavatam excerpts in the middle. I never read Back to Godhead magazine so attentively and completely before.
At first, I was very concerned and dearly hoped they’d let me bring these Back to Godhead issues with me back to the penitentiary (which they probably wouldn’t (“legal paperwork only” the sign in reception says). But after a guy (three cells down from me) asked to borrow the May/June issue and has been asking me everything from “Why is Krishna blue?” to “So you don’t eat any meat?” to “What’s up with this Prison Ministry stamp inside the cover?” (Yeah, I told him to write you), I’m now excited to leave the magazines here for other seekers.
Gary G.
Salem, OR
Dear Sridhara-syama dasa,
Please accept my humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada.
I am very happy and encouraged by your letter I received today. This time of lockdown is challenging such that there is no movement from our cells. Food is scarce and showers only every few days. I was concerned at the outset that you might make an empty trip and wanted some way to notify you but certainly by now you know to call before coming to this unpredictable place.
By the mercy of Kṛṣṇa, the timing of the last set of books you brought was most fortunate and I have been able to read Srimad-Bhagavatam, Teachings of Lord Kapila and Nectar of Devotion. I have read each of them more than twice (except Nectar of Devotion which I have found to be on an entire other level). I readily admit that I might sit with these texts along with the Bhagavad-Gita an entire lifetime and not fully understand their transcendental message. But I am wholeheartedly trying. It will take time to overcome some of the barriers of culture (names & places) and primacy of belief, that being all the ‘stuff’ I’ve been told since childhood. I am so very blessed by being at the perfect place and time to not only receive this information, but, by the mercy of Kṛṣṇa, to have a qualified teacher and spiritual guide to show me the way. When I first began my study, I did not understand the importance. It is now very clear to me why this information must be learned from disciplic succession. Each day, and often, I give thankful praise to Kṛṣṇa and His boundless mercy for the provision of your devotional service. So many improbable and unexpected happenings to have brought this opportunity.
I immediately smiled when I recognized your letter today. I actually began a letter to you at the end of last week with the goal of positing some questions for clarification. After about the first page, I reviewed the note only to declare “Even I can’t understand my own question!” So I abandoned the idea and sat down to do more chanting which is my go-to solution when I am confused, which is often I assure you.
My background is in the medical sciences and as professor for some years; I am not used to being unable to articulate my questions. But with each repeated reading of the Gita, things become a bit more clear and even the Sanskrit sounds beautiful.
Know that I will pray for you as you ask and request you do the same for me specifically that His Truth will be revealed to me and the innate capacity for devotional service will be fully awakened. I very much look forward to our next meeting and will communicate what you asked to the others to the best of my ability.
Most Respectfully yours,
Bhakta David
Dear Bhakti-lata, Hare Kṛṣṇa!
All glories to Srila Prabhupada! Please accept my humble respects and obeisances.
I must ask your forgiveness for causing you concern, and apologize for not writing back sooner. I know you told me that there is no need to apologize for any delay in writing, but I hate that I worried you. My job as a trustee is quite grueling, and my work is taking its toll on my correspondence. I am very much behind, and it’s difficult to catch up. The weather here has been awful. We are in a bad drought, and in the midst of the hottest summer on record. I work outside in the boiling sun, and then, since I live in a metal barn-like building, and the temperature averages 21 degrees hotter than the outside air, often I come into a dorm that is [anywhere from] a blistering 126 to an inhuman 133 degrees! Out of the frying pan and into the fryer, so to speak.
I have, in fact, been right on the edge of total physical exhaustion. I feel that it is only through the unlimited compassion of Radha that I have been able to endure it.
I know I sort of asked for this; I prayed to the Lord for help, and threw myself at the mercy of Radha. And the next day I was made a trustee and moved in this dorm. Since then it has been a real trial. Besides the grueling work, I was also attacked by fellow trustees when I first got here. I will briefly tell you about that, and what I have learned from it.
For some reason when I got here at the trustee dorm, I kept getting jumped on [attacked]. I believe it was an effort by some of the other inmates to simply test my mettle. I was forced to defend myself on several occasions. Finally, it stopped. This is how I stopped it: one day, another inmate just strolls up to me and, out of the blue, swings and hits me. Now, he is black and I am white, so this could have turned into a racial issue. And it was expected that I would, naturally, strike him back. I did not. For some reason that even now I don’t fully understand, I didn’t hit him. What I did do is to simply grab him and throw him down on the floor. Now, the whole place was watching this, and, at this point, with him on the floor and me above him, most anyone else would have taken the advantage to do this fellow some real damage. But for some reason, I didn’t. I stood there a moment, then backed up and told him to get away from me. He got up and ran off, and has never looked at me since.
A few days afterwards, I was approached by the leader of these black men and they were all amazed that I didn’t do anything to this man when I so clearly had a chance. And to be honest with you, I do not know why I did not. The old Mark would have—would have HAD to—in order to make a point. I tell you this because I believe that a change is really taking place in me. Despite my surroundings, I feel that an inner person is emerging, that is rising above such petty, foolish things. I believe that Kṛṣṇa consciousness is responsible for this change.
Since this last event happened, I have been left alone. It was like night and day. Oh, it’s still prison with all the craziness that comes with it, but I seem to have created some kind of respect because I DID NOT do something when most everyone else would have. It was not something I had to think about. It just happened. I didn’t choose to answer this man back with violence. And for a change, it worked.
Prabhupada is so right. It is the gradual change that takes place. And in small ways, like the above illustration, I can really see it in myself.
Truly, I do not know what Radha had in mind by putting me here. Perhaps it will help with my parole or perhaps it serves a bigger purpose. But that one small moment shocked me, and a lot of others too, because it so totally goes against what is taken for “correct behavior” in the joint [prison].
Anyway, all is well now and I am simply doing as the Lord wants and working like mad. At least, I assume that is what He wants, since He put me here. I am firmly convinced that Radha is behind this. At least, She had Her hand in it because I poured my heart out to Her and my tears puddled the floor, and I prayed to Her as I never prayed before in my life. Heartfelt, raw, honest emotion. Now, here I am. So I’m giving it all I have, and the work and heat are getting to me, but if this is what She wants then so be it!
My chanting is still my refuge, though my reading and study, I must admit, has suffered as much as my correspondence. I have read the book Prabhupada though, three times, if only a few lines at a time, before falling asleep. Some parts of it, however, make me weep. I just love Prabhupada (yes, I’ll use the word “love” now for that is how it feels), and I see how merciful he was to me, personally. He is my gurudeva and my saint, and my personal benefactor, and where would I be right now, spiritually, without him?
Regardless of my present difficulties, I am convinced that Kṛṣṇa has ordered my days and is firmly in control of the situation. I may not like everything going on, and it is often awful. Still, I know that things could be much worse. I believe that whatever difficulties I’m experiencing, it is only because of past misdeeds. And I know that it could all be MUCH worse. I can see gradual change inside myself. I respond to things with less anger (as evidenced by the last confrontation I had), and I feel less frustration over events that I obviously can’t control. I am learning to be still inside, and listen to the mantra that seems to be going on all the time in my head. I have repeated it so much that it seems to be going on without any effort on my part, as if it was a constant refrain running just on the other side of my conscious mind. As I stated before, this is a comfort and my only refuge at this time.
And, yes, I would like very much to learn more about Jagannatha. As a Westerner, naturally His appearance to me is very unusual. Still, I feel somehow drawn to Him. Why is He called “Lord of the Universe”? Is not Kṛṣṇa Lord of the Universe anyway? Why is this particular aspect of God deemed to be this? How did He get to look the way He does? And Who are His companions? I know that one is His sister, but Who is the other?
I did get the two books you sent (Chanting Hare Krsna and Guide to Practicing Krsna Consciousness in Prison). I have not had a chance to start them yet. But I’m looking forward to it. I hope that the general misery I am experiencing will abate some with the coming of cooler weather. Honestly, I hope for a spate of bad weather so that I can spend a few days inside and study, as it is one of my favorite things to do. And I have had to put that pleasure aside, for now.
A co-worker cut out an article in the Dallas newspaper and slipped it to me. It was about the Kṛṣṇa temple in Dallas and the things they were doing in that neighborhood. Very favorable comments by members of the community. It also had a few nice pics of the temple itself. It made me real excited, as this is where I hope to go when I am released. I intend on bringing my two oldest kids (I say “kids” though they both are in their twenties) and if I know them, they will enjoy it very much. As for me, I intend on sticking with my plan of volunteering to work at the temple. I want to do some menial chore, some job that no one else wants to do. Clean toilets, or remove trash, or scrub floors. I want to keep on the path of humility that prison has set my feet on. And believe me, I have had to swallow my pride, often on a daily basis. I know that I am supposed to kill the ego, but I sometimes think that it has also worked to destroy my self-esteem as well.
Still, I believe that I would enjoy doing some small chore for the temple and for Kṛṣṇa. After all, who but He knows how far I have traveled to get to the point that I am at now? Where I have tears in my eyes at a picture of Radha, or tears run off my chin after reading about some beloved pastime of baby Krishna. I did not get to this place overnight or even in one lifetime. So, if I can go to the temple and clean a toilet or two, then I can be happy knowing that, though I am not and may never be a “pure devotee”, or even a good devotee, I am not afraid, nor is my pride so thick, that I cannot serve the Lord in the most common of ways. If nothing else, I am learning gentleness. And I suppose that this in itself is a gift of the Lord, and a product of Kṛṣṇa consciousness.
On a side note: my mother is a staunch Christian, though it is to her I owe so much of my early forays into Eastern teachings. She never tried to squelch my probing into other scripture. A very open-minded lady, is my mother. Well, I sent her two pictures—one of Radha and one of Kṛṣṇa. I told her a little (and she already knows some) and asked that she place the pictures in her home, in a place of honor. She did so and They are sitting on her mantle. I told her that Kṛṣṇa is God and Radha is His female aspect, exhibiting total compassion. Well, my mother wrote and said that when she prays and does her own devotions she also honors “the Man and Lady” (her words) in the picture. I think this is too cool, but is it wrong? I hope that it is okay and my heartfelt prayer is that those two divine Beings are there to see me walk in the door [after I am released]. Perhaps next year.
Anyway, that is all for now. The heat is getting to me. The violence has abated and I’m trying to catch up on all correspondence. Still chanting, but my studies are rock-bottom right now. Again, I am sorry to worry you. No need to, my faith, though it wavered slightly, was not broken. Just working myself to a frazzle and hopefully this will look good to the parole board. I have less than a year until I know something for sure. I accept whatever they say and know that Kṛṣṇa has me where He wants me. I am His, and He is mine. Through it all IPM has been my constant companion. I owe much in return.
Hare Krsna!
Your obedient servant,
Bhakta Mark D.
Iowa Park, TX
P.S. Be kind of funny, huh? If I go to the temple and say something like, “Hi, my name is Mark. I’m in love with Kṛṣṇa, and do you need your toilets cleaned?” (Smile!)
Dear Bhakti-lata, Hare Kṛṣṇa!
Please accept my humble respects and obeisances.
All glories to Srila Prabhupada! All praise to IPM!
Thank you for your letter dated 1-10-11. There really is no way for me to fully express my appreciation for your time and especially patience in writing me, answering my questions, and providing me with so much good Kṛṣṇa conscious information. Your letters are always filled with so much information and are very much looked forward to. Your love of Kṛṣṇa and the strength of your convictions are evident and I feel especially blessed by the Lord to be in your association. I’m sure this seva can be very frustrating, at times, especially when the same questions are asked, again and again. If I do this, please accept my apologies.
First, let me say that I did indeed receive the very nice calendar. Also I received the Caitanya-caritamrta, and the copy of On Chanting Hare Kṛṣṇa. This is FULL of good, sweet nectar, a real asset to my japa. In fact, it answered a question I had on my mind the same day I got it in the mail!
What I was blown away by the most was Holy Jail. I cannot tell you how much this book lifted me up. My only experience of this path is Prabhupada’s books, and the association of my devotee friends via the postal service. I had an idea, of sorts, that there must be prisons that accept devotees, but my experience here on this unit was different. I learned, to my great delight, that there are many prison bhaktas. In fact, some prisons actually assist their devotees in their pursuit of Kṛṣṇa consciousness. Encourage it, even! When I read the letters from various prison Chaplains to IPM, I saw what a sad difference our own Chaplain is, here. I was embarrassed and, to be honest, felt sorry for him. It was just sort of a nice surprise to see that prisoners, not just in this country, but others, too, were chanting, and seeking the feet of the Lord. This boosted my spirits, a lot, for often I feel like the only kid in a big swimming pool, despite my pen-pal association….
In prison, as in the free-world, some days are better than others. Often it is quite routine, but there are moments when stark terror can rule. A few weeks ago I found myself in the center of one of those times. I will not go into the horrid details of what went on; suffice it to say that I found myself at my wits end, my nerves all but shattered from the stress. This rollercoaster ride of prison life was telling on me and my heart felt like a lead weight. I finally escaped the chaos and went back to the relative peace of my cell. There I fell down on my face before a picture of the Deities Sri Sri Radha-Govinda. Tears rolled down my nose and fell on the floor. I cried out before the Lord. ‘I am so tired, Lord. So very tired. I do not know how much more I can take of this. I am trying to be strong, but my strength is failing. I am ashamed to be asking you for anything. I am a miserable devotee, and truly have nothing that you would find worth of at all. But I am your creature, Lord, and this place has me in distress. I am in dire need of help. Your servant needs you. Lord, this system has me found in chains. The system is too strong for me, and they do not want to let me go. Lord, I am sorry that I cannot put tougher words in such a manner as the saints, or that my efforts are without the poetic sounds I know that you deserve. But, Lord, if I am ever to have a shred of hope of leaving this place, then I must humbly ask your help. I am not asking, Lord, that you make it easy on me; I am only asking that, somehow, you make a way. I am not so bold as to try to tell you how, my Lord, I just ask that, if you have found anything deserving in me, at all, that you help me leave this place when my time for parole comes. I am destitute, Lord, and have only two things to offer you. In love and gratitude I offer myself and my heart. And I offer my family. I will bring my children to your feet, Lord. I am just asking for the opportunity to be with them again where I can live as an example of your mercy.’
Now, I do not claim to know if this was right and proper, I only know that I poured out my heart to Lord, Krishna. I prayed to Srimati Radharani, knowing that if She found my prayers acceptable, then the Lord would, as well. I did my best to envelope myself in Her compassion. I ran to Her and fell at Her feet.
After I had totally spent myself in this kind of prayer, I wiped the tears off the floor and went about the rest of my day. In fact, I felt a bit awful for asking the Lord for anything, when it is I that should be giving to Him. Still, I had my back against the wall and turned to the only fountain of strength that there is.
The next day I was called to the Head Warden’s office. Now, this was a shock. Normally, a visit to the Warden’s office is NOT a good thing. The Warden told me, without preamble, “You’re an Outside Trusty.” I asked him how this happened, since to get such status you must request it, then the Head of Classification, the Warden and the Administration in Huntsville must approve it. The Warden answered my question simply, “Because I put you there.”
Within an hour my entire situation changed. I was moved to the best dorm on the farm. I was given Trusty status. My job is to work outside the unit. I am actually outside the main fence with freedom to go where I wish. The best part is that this Trusty Status looks very good to the Parole Board, and will only be a major benefit when I finally come up for parole.
Everyone I speak with about this is shocked. The guards are disbelieving because the Warden, for some strange reason, up and personally picked me to take this job. I have never spoken to the man in my life and I cannot fathom how he might have chosen me. There can be only one explanation.
The whole thing really hit me the other day. It was cold outside, and I was busy shoveling rocks, filling in holes in a road. Suddenly it hit me. The Warden called me into his office exactly 24 hours to the hour that I made that plea to the Lord. TO THE HOUR!
Now, I did not ask that the Lord make it easy, and He didn’t. Five degrees outside, and me shoveling rocks. But as the realization hit me, I shoveled with pleasure and said, “Hare Kṛṣṇa!” with every breath.
Now, there is the story. I know that some would call it mere coincidence. But I can assure you that no one I speak with has ever heard of the Warden just up and putting an inmate in a job outside the fence or in the best dorm on the unit, just all the sudden. No one can figure out how it happened. I do not care what anyone says. The Lord took pity on me. Or else Radha smiled at me. Regardless, my chance at parole has improved dramatically. Now, it is not certain, but it’s much encouraging.
In your Reflections (6-10-08) you said, “Lord, please drive my chariot today.” I can see how this is a deep secret, a mystical truth, and a lesson for me. It is an “open secret.” Mark [himself] must step out of the way and stop trying to interfere in his own affairs. In some ways, I feel badly for begging the Lord to help me out of a situation of my own devising. And I know that I should not be making deals with God. I know that it was wrong me. But I am convinced, without a shred of doubt, that I was heard. The Absolute heard and acted. I believe this. I have never before experienced such a dramatic thing. It was almost as if He had suddenly appeared in front of me.
I can tell you that I am not one to ask the Lord for things. I see other religions doing this and preaching “prosperity” and such and it makes me ill. God is not a “wishing well.” Perhaps He just wanted me to have a little uplifting moment, I don’t know. I do know that my situation has changed dramatically 24 hours to the very same hour I prayed. That I know. And I know something else: When I am released—whenever that may be—I will pack as many of my family as I can get into a car and go to the Temple. My intention is to offer my services in the least appealing chore that can be found. One thing for sure is that Mark is humbled. I will clean toilets, wash dishes, take out garbage—whatever. Because I will not ever forget the moment I realized that Govinda heard my sad little prayer.
Another uplifting thing, though MUCH less dramatic, involved the placing of two Kṛṣṇa conscious books in the library. Quite some time ago, perhaps a year, I think I read in the IPM prison newsletter that Candrasekhara was offering to put copies of the Kṛṣṇa book in the prison chapel library. I thought this was a good thing, as there are NO Kṛṣṇa conscious books in the Chapel library. There are Christian, Muslim, Catholic, and Jewish, but Prabhupada is not represented. I wished to change that.
As required, I got letters of permission from the Chaplaincy to place the books in the library. I then sent the letters to Chandra, and he had the two books mailed to me. Upon receiving he books, I contacted the Chaplain. To my surprise, he told me quite bluntly, and without explanation, “You need to bring these books to the chapel library.” A lot of emotions went through me, not the least was shock at bigotry of the whole thing. I tried to reason with them, to no avail. Well, what to do? The books were not mine, but were acquired for a specific reason. Finally, I decided to donate them to the main, General Population library. I did this. But the library never put them on the shelf. No explanation was forthcoming. Finally, I went to check on them, once again (call me determined, if nothing else) and to my delight, there they are on the shelf! The first Kṛṣṇa conscious books on this Unit!
Now, my first feelings of disappointment were unnecessary. I can see the Lord driving the cart again. Had the books been placed in the chapel library, as was first planned, they would likely have only collected dust. And they cannot be checked out to study or enjoy. But they can be in the Main Library. The librarian finally told me that they were simply behind in getting them on the shelf. But there they are! Jaya!
My question now is, is it possible to get a hard-cover copy of the Gita? If it is I will donate it to the library. I think it would be awesome to get this jewel someplace where it can be accessed, and now that I know that they can be put in the library, I am more than ready to do so. It made me so happy to see the two Kṛṣṇa Books (Vol. 1&2) on the shelf. Progress!
Again the lesson: Get out of the way, Mark, and let the Lord drive! He knew what He was doing, huh? Still it makes me sad that these men claim to be representatives of God and attempt to stifle anyone reaching for the Light (unless it’s the “Light” that they approve of, of course).
I was surprised (and pleased) that you saw fit to post something I wrote on the IPM web site. Though I have to admit that I’m perplexed as to what I could have written that might affect anyone else. Especially an experienced devotee. Often I feel as if I am sort of stumbling around in the dark. Thank you, Kṛṣṇa, for IPM and the devotees who you have sent to me to guide and uplift!
I really got into the good nectar you sent about Radharani. I do not know why it is that I am so drawn to this side of God. And, even though I still do not fully understand all the things behind it, I am not going to question it much. I’m just going to “go with it,” and allow myself to fully fall in love with this aspect of Krishna. It may be that I feel that Radha is more approachable than the Lord is. Whatever, I’m head over heels for Srimati Radharani!
I have begun applying tilaka. I am unable to use anything but water, at this time, however. I can only imagine the reaction of the guards were I to have clay tilaka. It would take me about 20 seconds to get thrown in the lockup! But, I am using what I can, and it is amazing what it does to my mental outlook. The Lord, and I know it’s there. He can see it, and I can feel it, and for now that is enough….
I see in this SB 1.2.6 just how far from real, pure KC I am. Unmotivated? No, I admit that I am motivated by so many selfish reasons. I do not want to die, I want to live forever, I want to go live with God in the place I came from, I want to hang out in paradise, I’m beginning to see the misery that this world is and I dislike it, I’m tired of being tired, worried, sickly, addicted, confused. I don’t want to grow old I feel a longing for…for something. Something I have never been able to find in all my years of searching. Some satisfaction to vague, nagging, desire. I’ve searched for it in drugs, money women, things—the craving is still there. It may diminish for a short time, but it always comes back. I know that God Kṛṣṇa is real; I know that He is not some concept or idea. And I know that I should be some unmotivated devotee, happily working with the least care of going back to that eternal place where he came from. But I am not this person. I AM motivated. I DO have an ulterior motive. Lord help me, but I do. Wrong or not, there it is; Mark wants to go home (and I mean my ORIGINAL home).
The other day I was reading in the “Song of God” about karma. For some reason, in the West we tend to find the thought of coming back and being born in this putrid place somehow comforting. But as I began to really think on it—being born yet again in who knows what circumstances, pooping in diapers once again, all the horrors of childhood, then those even worse teen years, and the whole thing going on and on and on and…the massive insanity of it just fell on top of me. I actually became afraid. And what is even worse is that, somehow, following this path if NOT making my enjoyment of life any better. I know that my life should be becoming free of worries and such, or that is supposed to be one of the effects of chanting, but to be honest, the more I learn of Kṛṣṇa consciousness, the LESS I like this existence. In some respects I feel like I’m just sort of “doing my time” and going through the motions of this life. And it’s even more so being in prison (within a prison!).
Mother Bhakti-lata, I am totally motivated. This world is crap. Oh, we find our little joys, here and there. Like a Band-Aid on a gaping wound, but mostly, it’s all crap. And I suspect that if I were released from prison today, given a zillion dollars, and all the wonderful goodies life has to offer, it would STILL be crap, only crap in a different way.
Desires? Yep, I got them. I desire to be free of this place, to return to my mother and my children. To find a nice companion that will not look down on me because of my past and will be a part of my Kṛṣṇa conscious life. I desire to do SOMETHING to promote Kṛṣṇa consciousness—write something worthy, distribute books, clean the “john” in the Temple, mow the grass or sweep the floor—whatever. And I desire to disappear from this crap place and return to the One. I want to hang out with the Lord—or even just see Him from a distance!
So, there it is. Mark is an awful, conniving devotee that has a bunch of selfish desires. I’m terrible but there it is in all its base ugliness. NOT the “pure devotee,” am I?
Constant, attentive prayer is something that, unfortunately, comes with years of practice. My version of this has been to “talk” to the Lord. Often my sort of one-sided conversations would to most seem to be a bit casual or familiar. I mean, here is the All-In-All,, The One, The Supreme Lord, and I’m in the chow-hall [cafeteria] commenting to Him about the quality of the beans that I’m having for dinner. Or walking along having a nice chat, really about not much at all, with the Lord of Creation. I know that, once again, the world might view it as mad, and in fact, many here see me talking to myself (??) and think me strange. How many times I’ve been asked, “Hey, who are you talking to?” What to say? ‘Oh, well, I’m just discussing the color of the pretty blue sky with Radharani, because She is so pretty and sweet and She loves Krishna so much and I wish I had a fraction of her devotion.’ Nope. Mostly I just say, “Myself” and let it go at that.
In a BTG article (which is infused with what I believe to be good, solid core, nectar on prayer and chanting; it should be almost required reading) it says “inattentive chanting is my main defect.”
I have long believed that emotion is necessary to prayer. Words repeated by rote do nothing to attract or bend the ear of God. In fact, words actually are not needed in prayer. I believe that words are for OUR benefit. The Absolute needs no words to know what you mean. Heart-felt prayer. In fact, some of my most intense prayers used no words. When spirit cries out, Spirit responds! And I recall you saying that I could bring any emotion into japa. Perhaps this is the key that I am missing. Prayer IS japa, and japa IS prayer. Am I correct in this? That emotion is the ingredient that will supercharge my chanting?
My mind wanders, I bring it back. Someone is screaming down the run, I bring my mind back. What time is it? Bring it back. Am I done yet? Bring it back. I have to pee. Bring it back. What did that guard yell? Chow time? Bring it back. The Buddhists have a name for it. They call it “Monkey Mind.” And that is how it feels. I try to do my rounds quickly. Get them done. Sometimes I get 9 or 10. Sometimes I get the required 16, but not so often. I make excuses, not believing them to be good ones.
Perhaps, what I should do, actually, is slow down. Concentrate on allowing the holy Names to resonate inside me. Concentrate on the vibration that it makes as I say it. Perhaps I need a bit of “mindfulness” in order to keep the mind from doing what it wants, which is a lot of busy, thinking activity. I know that many say that a certain number of rounds should be done in a certain time period. So many seconds per repetition of the mantra. But maybe I need to slow down a bit, in order to step up. I’m certain that you have heard this before. What is your response to this? I know it sounds weird—slow down in order to speed up—but I think you get what I’m saying….However, I know that chanting is the foundation of bhakti. It’s a habit that needs to be developed. The monkey mind does not want to let go of this illusion we are mired in. I wonder why this is?
When I am finally released [from prison], I will have to go to the temple as fast as I can get there. I cannot allow the outside world to take away all that I learned. I have built a small foundation. Through my pen-pal association, the efforts of IPM and the books, papers, and BTG’s, I have done much studying, and that is good to build something on.
But it is ONLY a start!
I have never even heard a traditional Hare Kṛṣṇa melody, not to mention sankirtan! When I get out, IF I am allowed to parole, then the State will have so many requirements that I will be busy almost every moment. I know this. They will have classes, and meetings and such. I will have to find a job (My family has a business, and I may work for them, IF parole allows it). The pressure will be intense. They design parole to try to make one to fail, in Texas. Despite all this, I know that I MUST get to the temple. If I’m going to stay out of prison, and if I’m going to keep on the path, then my spiritual life MUST be a priority. The good thing is that my family is supportive of my faith. My mother has placed pictures of Kṛṣṇa in my room that she has made for me in her home (bless her heart!). She does not fully understand Kṛṣṇa consciousness, but she sees me seeking God, and to her, and rightly so, this path is a good thing for her son.
I wish to bring my kids to Kṛṣṇa consciousness. I have four children. The youngest if 13, the oldest is 22. My oldest and my son (20 years old) will likely be driving me to the Temple, since when I get out I will not instantly have transportation. This is also part of my secret method to introduce them to Kṛṣṇa. From what I have read, sankirtan can be very exciting. My prayer is that they will enjoy it as much as I am sure that I am going to. This is a dream of mine, anyway. But for now I keep pressing on. Just another prisoner of the Lord’s, fumbling his way towards the Light, and perhaps eventually, to the feet of Kṛṣṇa.
I will end this letter now. I hope you enjoyed the story I related about my answered prayer. Still, kind of freaked out by it. One thing is for some, prabhu, I will never forget to include “the feminine side of God” in my prayers. I suppose this is why we first say “Hare” when we address “Kṛṣṇa.” Thank you for all that you do to help this poor prisoner in his quest for Kṛṣṇa consciousness. Hare Kṛṣṇa!
Bhakta Mark D.
Iowa Park, TX
9-4-10
Dear Bhakti-lata, Hare Kṛṣṇa!
All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
Please accept my humble respects and obeisances.
I hope everything is well for you, mataji. My Kṛṣṇa consciousness grows and flourishes with our correspondence and your letters are truly worth the wait.
Well, I never imagined it would be so difficult to practice my Kṛṣṇa consciousness here [a new institution]. Chaplain H. hates Kṛṣṇa consciousness. He more or less alluded to the fact that he was going to have me sent to the hole [solitary] if I persisted in trying to practice Kṛṣṇa consciousness in the chapel. Chaplain R. is much more enlightened. It’s been so discouraging and my Kṛṣṇa consciousness has suffered as a result. I settled for attending the Siddha yoga meetings. Chaplain H. told me that if I want to practice Kṛṣṇa consciousness, it falls under the “umbrella” of Hindu services of which the Siddha yoga inmates take all the time slots. So I cut Prabhupada’s picture out of last month’s BTG and made a cardboard frame that I could set up in front of me while I chanted. Well, last night when I went to the meeting, the inmate facilitator, who has NO idea of what he’s doing, told me I was not permitted to have Prabhupada’s picture in the meeting and, in essence, tossed me out of the meeting.
So for now, I’m renewing my Kṛṣṇa consciousness fervor. I’ve cleaned off the top of my locker and have erected an altar. There’s flowers on the yard so I can offer a flower every day to Prabhupada. In your next letter, please send me some pictures of Lord Kṛṣṇa, Lord Visnu, Lord Caitanya, and Lord Nrsimhadeva. I’m going to renew my chanting and my vegetarian diet. And until I receive your Bhagavad-gita, I have another that’s not a bad translation and seems to keep to the format, but I can tell how far superior As It Is is. I so miss Prabhupada’s purports.
In the last two years, Kṛṣṇa consciousness has brought me so much peace, so much tranquility, so much hope, and so much joy —it seems unfathomable that I could ever give it up. There is no way I could replace it with Siddha yoga. Impersonalism is so vague, so empty. It feels so good to know that by chanting the maha mantra and practicing devotion to the Lord I can, as an individual, transfer to the Vaikuntha planets and live with our Lord. After practicing bhakti yoga, it’s as if everything makes sense now.
Bhakta Richard
Sheridan, Oregon
9-10-10
Mataji, I received your letter and, just earlier in the day, I received the Bhagavad-gita and the japa beads. And, yes! Separation did indeed make my heart grow fonder of Kṛṣṇa consciousness and Prabhupada’s words. Quite an interesting chain of events. I had come back to meat eating ever since I had arrived here and hadn’t chanted more than a few rounds. Chaplain H. kept telling me he was going to send me to the hole if I persisted in trying to practice Kṛṣṇa consciousness and I was getting very discouraged. I even thought about giving it up for a little while and go back to my Mormon faith.
Well, believe it or not, I related this whole experience to who I considered my best friend here; an old Muslim man, about 65, and this guy asked me —was I willing to go to the hole for my religion? He told me, of all the reasons to go to the hole, practicing your religion seemed the best. He told me I needed to make a decision; was I willing to put Vaisnavism front and center in my life? So I decided. I cut pictures out of the BTG and made an altar on my locker top (as I told you before). I immediately offered water and flowers and began again eating a strict vegetarian diet and offering my food to Lord Kṛṣṇa. I began praying to Him again, asking Him to help me —and mataji —did it really surprise me that within days, Chaplain R. stood up for me and even the associate warden sympathized with me and that muddha Chaplain H. went on vacation. Jaya! How the Lord reciprocates with His devotees!
I left San Bernardino and my Kṛṣṇa conscious books on June 29th and it took until September 9 to see a Gita back in my hands. Those two months felt like a virtual eternity and, Kṛṣṇa willing, that will never happen to me again. With my altar, Tulasi Devi [japa beads], and the Gita, others are inquiring what Kṛṣṇa consciousness is. Last night, I made prasadam for two friends. One says he wants to hear kirtan and watch Prabhupada with me! I certainly felt like the gopis —well, not anywhere near their anxiety of separation —but I certainly felt like crying. I did feel desperate just to practice Kṛṣṇa consciousness. I felt such separation from Kṛṣṇa that a day felt like a month. Literally, the last two months seemed to take so long to go by, as opposed to Sand Bernardino, where I was locked down all the time but the months flew by.
I much prefer inner spiritual happiness than outer material happiness. But today, as I walked out on the yard, with the beautiful tall poplar trees, the friendly black biers and squirrels, the gorgeous forest beyond the fences, the gorgeous cloud cover, the colorful flower gardens and the bumble bees happily pollinating the flowers, I chanted my rounds with Tulasi Devi and felt bliss spring in my heart. Things are definitively getting better.
Thank you so much for the prayers to the Six Goswamis. Reading about them in the Caitanya-cartamrta was so blissful. It’s weird how fondly I remember those times I read the CC and SB in my teeny little one-man cell, in the middle of the night when all was silent, after I finished my nightly 16 rounds straight, on my homemade plastic japa mala knots. I hope to have more of those times ahead.
I’m also taking your suggestion and memorizing SB 10.14.8
Bhakta Richard
Sheridan, Oregon
9-22-10
Dear Bhakti-latā,
I’ve been studying Nectar of Devotion and going through the Bhagavad-gita again and I can’t wait to get to the Kṛṣṇa Book.
I always have fresh flowers on the beautiful altar I erected in my locker. Well, anyone who comes into my cell can’t help but to see it and most ask about it. Well, this young guy, Joe, I think Prabhupada’s image must have awakened something inside of him. I started telling him about Kṛṣṇa consciousness and chanting and he decided on his own that he was going to try it. The he said he wanted to go the chapel with me and sing kirtan.
I think that now Chaplain R. is going to give me the Buddhist time slot (Monday, 6 PM to 8 PM). I can watch our beloved Prabhupada on a large 46’’ plasma screen and check out all the groovy devotees from the 70s! It’s a trip watching the shirtless guys with their shaved heads and tilaka fanning him [Prabhupada] with utter seriousness and reverence. I was also amazed to see how short Prabhupada was and yet how commanding and mesmerizing his presence was (is). I just sat there in awe with a huge grin on my face. It was also wondrous to hear kirtan for the first time. I immediately began singing it and wanted to get up and dance. I noticed how much other material there is other than the maha mantra. Are there any written transcriptions so I can follow along with what they’re singing? I’m sure, as the months and years go by, I’ll become infinitely familiar with each of the songs and grow to love each and every one of them.
Last Monday, Joe and I were relegated to what they nickname “the sacred hallway”, which is the place the chapel has when all the rooms are taken. All the CD players were out so we had to play the cassettes. I had plenty of room to dance though! Doing call and response with Prabhupada was just the greatest. I mean, after all this time and, finally, being able to not just hear him but see him. It was like he was right there in the room. I got goose bumps. I just wanted to fall down at his lotus feet. It was so amazing!
Prabhupada’s books give me such joy that I understand how they are a type of incarnation of the Lord. The shakti I feel from them, I don’t feel from any other books with the exception of the Bible, so needless to say, it’s difficult reading anything else. The connection with Lord Kṛṣṇa is so strong and I feel so blessed that the śāstras are back with me. Even though I’m looking at a huge amount of time [in prison], Lord Kṛṣṇa is helping me through all this, teaching me proper perspective. The potency of devotional service is such, that those stinking material desires don’t have the same impact. This is an amazing blessing because the Mormon path fills me with regret for what I could have had and simply serves to remind me of how I screwed up, that I’ll probably never have the chance to marry and have children, and yet, with Kṛṣṇa consciousness, those things are –attachments- and without them, I have less desires. Less ties to the material world, and so with Kṛṣṇa consciousness, I can embrace my situation. I can thank Kṛṣṇa that I don’t have all the material possessions, all the outside distractions that take me away from transcendental bliss, which is what it’s all about anyway.
Later I watched Prabhupada, sang kirtan and burned incense. It’s amazing his command of Sanskrit. I had the subtitles turned on so I could totally understand everything he was saying –just ecstatic! It charges my Kṛṣṇa consciousness every time I get to see Prabhupada!
It is so wondrous to have these awesome books here with me now. I’ve got most of them in my cell and have the small Srimad-Bhagavatam on my altar. I’ve finished (for now) reading Nectar of Devotion and on to the Kṛṣṇa Book.
Prabhupada was speaking tonight about peacefulness; that it’s impossible to have in the material world and the only way to true peacefulness is through Kṛṣṇa. And I can testify of that mataji. Now that I have these transcendental books I can taste His nectar and it contributes to my chanting. I have this simple job of going across our very large yard in the housing area, picking up small bits of trash which there rarely are. It’s during a time when the yard is closed in the early afternoon. I find this a wonderful time to chant my rounds and see Kṛṣṇa everywhere, in everything –all those jivas, those atomic souls, Vishnu in all those living things —when I ‘m chanting out there on the yard. I feel so close to all of it –like Prabhupada says —with Kṛṣṇa only is there true peacefulness.
It’s amazing that I’ve been reading Sanskrit for a few years now and I get to actually hear how it’s pronounced. Whoa. I mean the words just flow effortlessly from Prabhupada’s mouth. I watch all the devotees effortlessly say a mantra like om namo bhagavate vasudevaya and I can barely pronounce Vrndavan!
Anyway, I’ve got my transcendental blissful work cut out for me. My cell, my beautiful altar; I’ve got the books filled with the sweetest nectar my mind and intelligence can feast upon, I’ve got Tulasi Devi to help me with my chanting and my dearest spiritual master on DVD, CD, and cassette. I can chant outside among beautiful living things and live my life as a Vaisnava. Blessings, blessings, blessings.
So once again, mataji, thank you so much for everything! I so look forward to your next letter.
Your servant,
Bhakta Richard
Sheridan, Oregon
1-18-11
Dear Bhakti-lata, Hare Kṛṣṇa!
Please accept my humble obeisances.
All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
Hope all is going well for you. I’m still here in segregation [solitary confinement] but I’m safe and that’s what’s important. [My present] cellie [cell mate] is a very negative person but at least he’s not a bully. Practicing Kṛṣṇa consciousness has gotten me to a point that I don’t even hate those bullies back, ya know?
A mosquito got in my cell the other day and I wouldn’t kill it (my cellie did though). I don’t even want to hurt my enemies so I know Kṛṣṇa has effected profound changes to my spirit. As you can probably tell, I’ve been regularly chanting again. It makes such a difference to my well-being that I have to wonder why I’ve neglected it. I say the Panca-Tattva mantra as you instructed and I find this enhances the rounds.
A few weeks ago, I was having a dream that a Kṛṣṇa devotee was at my cell door. I knew he was from India because I could see his brown skin. I could see his saffron cloth and I could see a garland around his neck. I got off my bunk, ready to embrace him. The door opened by itself and there, in front of me, was Prabhupada! I immediately dropped to my knees and placed my head to his lotus feet. He raised me up, embraced me and I felt an immense feeling of love from him. That was the end of my dream. I feel like Prabhupada came to me in my dream to reassure me and strengthen me. It was the most wonderful dream and now, every time I gaze at Prabhupada’s photo on my altar, I feel even more closely connected to him. Like my atma resonates with my Paramatma like a tuning fork you know? Jaya! And now I have the three greatest literary treasures with me permanently- my CC [Caitanya Caritamrta] and SB [Srimad-Bhagavatam] in story forms and my Bhagavad-gita. I read and study each of them every day. They fortify me against this newest negative energy I have to share a cell with. But I’m learning! Prajalpa is kept to a bare minimum, I give him prasadam and he sees my Kṛṣṇa conscious pictures all over the cell. And even though I chant quietly, I know he hears me so I can only hope it will gradually help him. The most annoying thing is he’s always using Lord Jesus Christ’s and God’s names in vain and it hurts my spirit each time he does and yet he claims he’s a Catholic and believes in Them. Yeah, OK.
I’m rediscovering the wonders of the Srimad-Bhagavatam all over again! One of my most favorite quotes so far (I’m on Canto 6, at King Citraketu) is when Narada told Dhruva, when he was a boy, “If you feel dishonored, you should not be disturbed. You should understand that the material dualities are simply a feature of the illusory energy of the Lord. Whatever may befall us is the result of our past actions, and thus should be accepted as the mercy of the Lord.” Do you have any idea how much comfort that sastras gives me? I wish everyone could understand that, mataji.
I think one of the most amazing things Kṛṣṇa consciousness has done for me so far is how it’s teaching me humility. When I look back at the person I used to be, I feel shame. So I can see the power of the maha-mantra to purify. Those syllables are so infused with such transcendental power that it has the ability to cure all spiritual maladies! Of course I know I don’t have to tell you this mataji- you’ve been trying to tell me this for the last 3 years or so. It’s just that I’m beginning to experience another wave of realizations on a deeper stratum than before. Like how you tell me about the Bhagavad-gita never getting old —and how certain purports I’ve read and reread jump out at me as if Lord Kṛṣṇa was speaking them into my ear:
“Param brahma param dhama pavitram paramam bhavan”– Jaya!
“I now fully understand that you are the Supreme Personality of Godhead, the Absolute Truth, and that You are the refuge of everything.”
It was-I think- the 9th or 10th time I’ve read chapter 11, text 54 and that just floored me, made my eyes well up with tears —like I found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow —more than that —like I discovered the most sacred, precious secret in the universe. Needless to say I’ve memorized this —and Sanskrit seems to be getting easier for me to pronounce and understand. It’s beginning to really sink in that in order to be a true Vaisnava, one must learn to be absolutely humble —and it was that lack of humility that ultimately led to me getting beat up. So it’s by the MERCY of Lord Kṛṣṇa that I’m in the hole [solitary confinement] for now and it was the MERCY of Lord Nrsimha that I wasn’t hurt bad and it’s the MERCY of Lord Caitanya that my chanting is bringing me these realizations.
Ya know mataji —my new cellie is a really miserable guy —and it’s as if he doesn’t even realize it —every other word that comes out of his mouth is a complaint or something negative and it does absolutely no good to try and help him because he’s the type that knows everything and I can’t teach him anything. He’s cynical, vulgar, angry, self-righteous, prideful, and in denial. And you know I used to be just like that —it’s weird. At least he’s not violent —physically. I’ll give him that —but he’s got plenty of violent thoughts. A lot of guys are like that. At least I can say that knowing Lord Kṛṣṇa has given me an inner peace I didn’t have before and studying śāstras teaches me the way to live this life so I can be happy —I get that. I still have such a long way to go but I feel like I’m moving again in the right direction and that’s extremely good. Being in the hole for now is good for me and it’s the Lord’s mercy. I’m learning more and more and moving toward the mode of goodness more than when I was out on the yard. One thing this latest experience has been teaching me —is to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. I’m really, really working on this mataji. Sometimes thoughts go through my head that are in the deepest mode of ignorance and material attachment and I just pray to Kṛṣṇa, “Lord get these thoughts outta my head!” And then, if all fails, I silently repeat with my breath, “Om namo Vishnave namah; om namo narayanaya; om namo bhagavate vasudevaya” and eventually the power of those mantras help me to gain control of my mind and quiet or redirect my thoughts. I’m beginning to learn the amazing power of Vedic mantras —the transcendental energy of those syllables are magical, alchemical. It’s like they have transformative powers. No wonder in the earlier, purer yugas, the simple utterance of these mantras had the ability to transform matter. I’m beginning to understand this more and more —so that as I reread the Srimad-Bhagavatam, the pieces of the puzzle fit together —jaya! Just like the celestial airships! Is it possible, mataji, that all these UFOs —or at least some of them —are actually demigods coming to check up on us in their celestial airships? How about that Brahmastra weapon? That sure sounded like a nuclear bomb.
What I’m discovering about the Srimad-Bhagavatam is that it’s giving me an expanded understanding of reality. Then, as I read about Lord Caitanya in the Caitanya-cartamrta, I notice how divine nature manifests. Lord Caitanya, like Lord Jesus, healed lepers, became the servant of His own devotees, brought the dead back to life, and performed miracle after miracle. I like how He pushed Lord Jagannatha’s Ratha-yatra cart with His head and how each group of devotees thought He was dancing, doing kirtan with them exclusively.
Being in the hole again has really helped me to “re-immerse” myself back into full-time Kṛṣṇa consciousness: chanting, taking care of my altar, offering water & fruit, praying, and reading (hearing) about Kṛṣṇa, meditating on Lord Vishnu, memorizing śāstras- It’s blissful, mataji —and I offer obeisances to you for the care and support you’ve fostered me with. I pray Lord Caitanya richly blesses you with Kṛṣṇa prema and that all is transcendental bliss for you and your family. May Kṛṣṇa give blessings which are pavitram uttamam! I look forward to the nectar of your next letter soon.
Your servant, Bhakta Rich
Richard C.
Sheridan, Oregon
9-11-10
Dear Bhakti-lata, Hare Krsna!
All glories to Srila Prabhupada! All praise to IPM!
Please accept my humble respects and obeisances.
You asked about the Kṛṣṇa book, what is my favorite pastime up to now. I really like the “Butter Thief.” In fact, it is one of the pastimes that bring tears welling up in my eyes. I know that for those who do not “get it”, that the idea of a person relating to God as a friend, parent, or lover is appalling. Some would even see it as blasphemous! I actually feel badly for these blind folks. God can be so much more than a “father”, (a Santa Claus), though Father is accurate as well. No, I understood perfectly how a person could relate to Him as a parent after reading of the Butter Thief pastime. Love it! It makes me want to grab Him up and hug Him. I can’t help it, it just does. I mean, anyone who has ever had kids can relate to this, can’t they? And it just goes to prove that what I have long believed to be the truth is true after all; that God is, or can be, mischievous. Not in a mean or hurtful way, but for His own reasons that we might not ever fathom, or just for the delight of it. I mean, if you doubt this, just look at some of His creations here on this planet. Like the duck-billed Platypus. What is up with that anyway? It’s like one could almost hear Kṛṣṇa laughing, saying, “Hey, watch this, guys.” So I love the Butter thief. I want to be like mother Yasoda and chase Him myself. It makes my heart swell up, just like a parent’s would. And I know that some would shrink at that feeling being directed towards God, but too bad for them. I cannot help it and I make no apologies for it. It makes me want to cry. I am a man, not a sissy or a wimp. But I can admit to you, my friend, that the Butter thief gets to me.
Another pastime I like is the one where Mother Yasoda looks in Kṛṣṇa’s mouth and sees all of existence. Wow. Big wow! In fact, this one gives me chills. Really, can you even begin to imagine? It makes goose bumps pop up on me. Almost makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. If this one does not affect a person, then what would? I read of this and I want to fall on my face and close my eyes and pray that Kṛṣṇa does not discard this insignificant speck that I am.
But the pastime that really does it is the one that, as a neophyte, I am told I should not try to delve on. That is, the rasa dance. Now, bear with me a moment. I know that it is strange (to Westerners anyway), that one could relate to God as a lover. I have begun to get a glimpse of the different ways a person can relate to Him. And I believe that this is a good thing for me. A bit of progress, perhaps. Still, the whole “conjugal love” thing throws me, as I am certain it has many others. I mean, some of the gopis were married, and here they are, cavorting in the woods all night, clothes falling off, feeling “lust” and such. And Kṛṣṇa was only about 10 years old, correct? Now, I understand why they say that that mystery should not be looked at too deeply until one is a bit further along. Still, here is why the rasa dance is so special to me.
There is something about it—something ancient and dreamy and complete—that strikes a chord inside me. It’s like it is something that I have seen before, but have forgotten. Or something very, very old and necessary and it just IS. Honesty, I have thought about how to tell you this, but it is not very simple to do. It just seems that that moment in existence has always been, and will always be. That the rasa dance has always happened, that it is happening—right now, at this moment—and that it will always go on. We have all seen the nice paintings of Kṛṣṇa in the midst of the gopis, the moonlight and the water. It just seems primeval and so familiar at the same time. It’s like it is something that is just out of reach, something right on the very edge of my mind. I can almost touch it, but when I try, it slips out of reach. Whatever it is, it touches something inside me. It’s special, and its beauty almost takes my breath. Now, I start looking at the whole conjugal/married/group/minor child thing and it destroys it. The rasa dance, with eternity welling up within it, is gone. The bubble burst. It turns ugly. And, as a result, I choose not to look at the rest. I do not expect you to waste your time in trying to explain such an advanced concept to this ignorant neophyte either. My only reason for mentioning this was to tell you of which pastimes I enjoyed most. The rasa dance is special. It’s like a beautiful piece of art that is so fragile. Like spun glass. I try to touch it, and it’s gone. There is something there. I don’t have a clue what it is or why it strikes me so, but it is a mystery and somehow I (us, we, the living entities) is at the heart of it. Or rather, Kṛṣṇa is, and we are the dancers.
I appreciate every much your willingness to mail my beads to me. However, I do not think that you would be able to get through. The problem is the chaplain. He has some sort of personal problem with our faith. I have accepted it, for the most part. It is disappointing, and sad, and so unnecessary. But it’s his karma that will suffer I suppose, not mine. My job is to do the best I can, not allow his karma to seep into mine, and continue to chant, regardless. I am in the “Bible Belt” and this is just how it will be. That is OK. I see it as a lesson and a blessing from Kṛṣṇa. After all, it only gives me a chance to demonstrate my determination. It is a good method in keeping me humble. And, I have Kṛṣṇa; what need have I of anything else? I have read that Lord Caitanya used His fingers, and I am honored to be allowed to use the same method. Perhaps someday my japa will be blessed by Mother Tulasi, but till then, I am grateful to just have a voice to speak the names of God with. Hare Kṛṣṇa!bThe bigotry of little men only serves to make me stronger. Perhaps this is what Kṛṣṇa intends? Anyway, enough about that. (“I am Kṛṣṇa’s and Kṛṣṇa is mine!” Period.)
About japa, my chanting is going well, but not consistent. This bothers me. In truth, often my voice gets tired. Then I start slurring the names. Or my mind wanders and I get frustrated. A common problem, I expect. I am not consistent with the amount, however, and that too is frustrating. Sometimes I get in as many as 12 rounds, and I promise myself to do the rest, but, regardless of how the movies or popular ideas portray prison life, our days [in prison] are often hectic, and despite my best intentions, I fail. I have a job now and I work in the laundry, and I have been going to rehabilitation classes, so I have been real busy. But that is only an excuse, and I know it.
Some days, honestly, I just don’t feel like doing anything. I work, I go to class, then all I want to do is just go to sleep and get away from this place for a while. Then, at other times, my chanting seems to just soar! It’s like I am flying, or moving into some other place. I feel surrounded by the power of Kṛṣṇa or love or something that is totally perfect and fine.
I just do not know why I have good japa and bad japa and I see it as a weakness and failure on my part, as if I am failing Kṛṣṇa and Prabhupada at the same time. This is one reason I really like to read your reflections. I t gives me a chance to peek inside the mind of an experienced devotee. I see that, often, you too have your “moments” and struggles, and it makes me feel better to know that it is normal and I am not some sort of freak or washout or something. I do not want to be rejected by Prabhupada; that would be worse than anything I could ever think of. I just think that, if an experienced devotee such as yourself can have struggles, then what to speak of a neophyte like me?
The “good” days I have with japa are so awesome. The “bad” days are repugnant to me. But at least I recognize it, and I am getting a taste for the names. I just get so disgusted with my own failures and limitations. Often I get revved up and feel like I could chant like Haridas Thakura (not really, but you get the simile), and other days I allow Maya to get me.
Lots of times, however, I chant silently to myself, in my mind. Like at work, or going to work or chow. We are not allowed to speak in the hallways. I do not actually keep track of these, because I am not using my voice. I just sort of try to keep it going in my mind, I suppose, for comfort, and to protect my thoughts. The names also give me peace and make me feel safe in this most dangerous environment.
You related, in your letter, a few incidents of how Kṛṣṇa has “came through” and helped other prison bhaktas. I was sort of uplifted by these events. Thank you. It makes me feel that, despite my shortcomings and failures, I am on the right track. I was especially pleased by the inmate who was in solitary and somehow, though the Lord’s mercy, received a BTG. I am familiar with solitary. Though I have never been housed there, I know what it’s about, and him getting any type of reading material is amazing. And, yes, I feel watched over. It’s really a fine feeling, to be plugged into the Truth and being cared for. I suppose that I am sort of like an unruly child, and Kṛṣṇa is allowing me to touch the stove after being told repeatedly not to touch it. Though disobedient, and burned by my own actions, He still loves me and keeps me from getting really hurt. Though burned, I am not totally consumed, and He is the reason. What a fool I have been for so long. Thank you Lord, for allowing me to be a fool and come to prison so that I might settle down and listen long enough to hear the Truth.
Earlier in this letter, I brought up the subject of Kṛṣṇa being a person. I will admit that this teaching was a bit difficult. At first, anyway. I always just thought of Him as formless. That is, way too big and grand for a “form” of any kind. I have read theological papers and arguments of man and his concept of God as anthropomorphic. And I have read discussions on the various differences between Jnani, Bhakti, and Para Bhakti. This and the unfortunate fact that I have taken college courses in comparative religion have not helped me in my search for the truth. Quite the opposite, in fact. Man has made complicated what is so very simple. I was hindered, to say the least.
However, I have come to the point that God (Kṛṣṇa), in human form, understanding my own emotions and feeling the same, choosing to relate to me in this form, to be one of the most comforting things that I could ever imagine. Once I began to try to accept it, the Absolute as a Person is so touching that the thought of it is making tears blur my vision, even as I write this. Kṛṣṇa is without a doubt the all in all. Is it not true that everything is God? I mean there is nothing outside of God —because there is no “outside?”
The truth, I have found—at least in my own pathetic, and limited understanding of it—is that it is quite impossible for me to practice real and lasting love and service to God, without relating to Him as a person. My mind can, on an intellectual level, contemplate some type of all-powerful Being at the center of everything, but it is difficult, if not impossible, for me to feel real love for such a being. Not to be irreverent, but I would have a tough time falling head over heels in love and feel total devotion for a formless cloud of gas.
How sublime is this path to the Absolute that we have been given! The Being that is so great and beyond limits, who is everything that is—who is even the energy that holds the atomic particles in place—chooses to relate to us in human form!
I am a fool. All the studies I have done in my life, all the schooling, all the reading and searching and such, was so much hot air. It was right in front of my face the whole time. You see, that is one reason that I have struggled with some of the things I have read in the śāstras. I have done too much reading for my own good. I thought I was reasonably intelligent, but I am not. Honestly, I wish I could go live in a temple for a while, do some menial chore—clean toilets, scrubs pots and pans, or whatever—and not have to think. I have done a fair bit of reading on Kṛṣṇa consciousness and still my own mind is my worst enemy.
But Kṛṣṇa, as the Butter thief, as the child with all existence in His mouth, as the killer of Kamsa, as the jewel in the midst of the gopis in that timeless rasa dance, just blows my mind. But most importantly, the thought that God—Kṛṣṇa—wants and misses His relationship with me, really messes me up. I mean, that does it. You wrote that in your letter and it broke me down. It’s too much for me to absorb. Who am I? I am nothing. And yet, He is willing to meet me and misses me? That is too much.
Anyway, I suppose that my point is that I am making some sort of progress, though I cannot say how much, of if it’s in the right direction. I am glad I have your association to bounce this stuff off; otherwise I suppose I’d just founder. God as a Person. Wow!
You asked if I got the BTG about Lord Nrsimha? Oh, yes! Once again, what seems a coincidence occurred. I was reading in the Srimad-Bhagavatam about Hiranyakasipu and his foolish attempts at destroying Prahlada, when the BTG arrived. Boom! There He was! My Protector Himself! It even had a nice center pic of Him and I have it where I can see it every day. I cannot live through a single moment of the day in this cesspool without Him. You know how I feel? I feel like a child around a stranger. A child, when it meets a stranger, or is put in a new situation, will hide behind his parents. He will peek around his parents’ legs, feeling comfort hiding behind mommy and daddy, his guardians. Well, this is how I feel. In fact, the feeling is so close to it that I feel like a child at the sight of His image. I am finished and destroyed without Him.
The first thing I think about, each morning, is Kṛṣṇa. I am a pathetic failure in my japa. An inconsistent lout. I disgust myself, actually. And I have “studied” so much mundane “science” and theology that it has made me a fool and an oaf. Yet, the first thought on my mind in the morning is Kṛṣṇa. Funny, huh?
I confuse myself with useless arguments, question things that should be so simple, and I do not have a single clue about the first thing regarding devotion and service to God. But I actually shed tears and fall on my knees at the sight of Lord Nrsimhadeva. Something is happening to me. I am changing. Perhaps just a little, but I am not the same as I was. Oh, I am no great devotee. I am not initiated (though I hope to be); I am not even qualified to be in association with real, experienced devotees. I know my faults, and they are so many. But the original Person, Kṛṣṇa, must be doing something with this rotten old convict, because it’s changing me from the inside.
Thank you for the nice bundle of small books [to distribute]. They will be perfect to use to preach with. It is such a struggle, in this place. So many do not want to hear anything, much less something that might be different or unfamiliar. In fact, let me relate this to you, as an example. They have a “faith-based” cell block here, called the “God-pod”. Well, I asked, and was granted permission to move there. But, I was told, in no uncertain terms by the other inmates, that I was in the “wrong religion” and that I was simply not wanted. Even the free-world volunteer who runs it told me that I would have to attend the Christian programs, but that I did not have to pay attention. My only reason for wanting to go there was to get into a more peaceful setting to, perhaps, enhance my own search for God. However, upon being given the above information, I had to respectfully opt out.
My conclusion, and I pray that it was the correct one, was that it would be better for me to speak to others about Kṛṣṇa in General Population, despite all the awfulness and madness, then to try to preach Kṛṣṇa consciousness to those who refuse to see anything other than their own limited beliefs. Whatever, I believe it was the right decision. Not for myself, because it is much harder where I am now, but I think it was the right move as far as preaching Kṛṣṇa consciousness goes. I will NOT stop telling anyone who will listen about Kṛṣṇa. The books you sent will help a lot. I pray about my inability and poor knowledge of Kṛṣṇa consciousness, and I know that Prabhupada can do a better job than I.
Well, I suppose that will be enough, for now. Please forgive me. I am aware that, often, what I write you may sound foolish. The searching steps of a child on an unfamiliar path. And I am grateful to you for all that you are doing to help me progress. The books, BTGs, and especially your letters and reflections. I am also grateful for your patience with this neophyte, this foolish man. I have such a long way to go before I finally get home. But changes are taking place, though they are small.
One final thing; after reading the verse you included in your letter (SB 2.3.21), I was shocked at how it applied to me. Personally. I too was “puffed up” and now I see the truth. I believe with all my heart that you are correct about the Vedas. Though I do not, and can never presume to hope that I will come to understand it all, it is and must be the vault that holds the key to all the ills that plague mankind today. The śāstras may confound me, frighten or confuse me, bewilder, shock and amaze me, but the fact must be, that the ancients knew more about what Truth is than we do today. I must drop the old man, with his meaningless and useless beliefs, and surrender totally to Kṛṣṇa’s word and will. A tall order, to change this man into a devotee; one that is worthy of initiation. One that is worthy to scrub the floor in the temple. The key, and foremost effort I must make, I believe, is one of the most basic. I must work on my japa (maybe do a little less thinking! LOL!) Hare Kṛṣṇa! I am, and will remain, your servant, Bhakta Mark.
Bhakta Mark D.
Iowa Park, Texas